New Hero: Casey Tanner
AURORE sat down with queer sex therapist Casey Tanner to discuss inclusive language in sex ed, advice for those who can’t afford therapy, and masturbating on your stomach.
How did you get into queer sex therapy and why?
I wish I could say it was a life-long dream, but in reality I went to school to become a Pastor - no joke. Being queer, closeted, and in an extremist Christian community took a major toll on my mental health, so I found my way to therapy (and more therapy, and more therapy). Eventually I worked with a queer therapist who changed my life - my whole world view, actually. By the time I was healthy I understood the power of therapy to heal, and the power of working with a therapist who is pleasure positive and shared my queer identity. From there, it was a matter of grad school, seeking out mentors in the LGBTQIA+ community, and pursuing sex therapy certification.
Aside from simply building a brand, what benefits are there to making sex education and therapy easily accessible through Instagram?
The “why” behind my instagram is that I believe free, accurate, pleasure positive sex education is a human right. Unfortunately, it’s a human right that continues to be actively withheld from many. I say actively withheld, because there are some states that solely teach abstinence, and some states in which sex education is non-existent. There are other states in which accurate sex education is allowed, but it’s extremely heteronormative, cisnormative, and rooted in whiteness.
I also feel like I have the best job in the world. Running @queersextherapy holds me accountable to growing as a human, sex therapist, cis person and white person. I get to have meaningful conversations with strangers about parts of themselves that they’ve previously thought were unspeakable.
Also, not going to lie, the wall of free dildos I’m building at my apartment from brands who want me to try their products isn’t bad either.
What is the most fun thing about running your social media account?
Besides free dildos? Collaborations. I’m currently filming a miniseries, “Sexuali-Tea”, with my friend Kiana about the intersections of sex therapy and sex work. My partner, Melissa, and I have just recently designed an app “Qweird” - a social game specifically for the LGBTQIA+ community. I’m talking to a Trap Yoga instructor about providing a free yoga class that centers on body movements that bring up sexual vulnerability and power. Essentially, I get to stretch beyond my therapist skills and get creative across realms.
What do you offer the queer community that you feel isn’t being met by cishet mainstream sex education/therapy?
Thoughtful language. It doesn’t take much to change the phrase “female ejaculation” to “vulvar ejaculation”, which is more inclusive to trans folks, yet many therapists and educators don’t think or know how to make those shifts. Many who do know are resistant. It’s talking about menstrual products instead of feminine products. It’s being an LGBTQIA+ space 365 days a year, not just during pride month and not just for gay white men. Queer Sex Therapy moves beyond allyship and support to provide the sex education that all queer people deserve but rarely receive. There may be posts/language that cis/het people don’t understand and need to go look up and research. I LOVE that because finally there’s a space where we, the queer, kinky, gender expansive community, are the insiders.
How do you feel social media censorship affects your ability to reach your audience through this platform?
More than anything, social media censorship produces a low level of anxiety and pit in my stomach that doesn’t seem to go away. It feels like, at any moment, this platform could disappear. Censorship places me at a decision point during every post—do I write sex or s*x? Do I stay away from topics that could be perceived as offensive? Ultimately, I’ve made the decision not to do any of these things, and there have been consequences. I’ve been banned for weeks at a time. I’ve gotten warnings. Even my IG handle, @queersextherapy, is rebellious in their eyes.
This is part of the reason why, as I launch my website, I’m going to begin to use my name (Casey W Tanner) rather than Queer Sex Therapy. It’s a sad shift that comes with some grief for me, but I also want to protect the space and content for others.
What do you recommend for those who can’t afford therapy? How can they incorporate resources you offer through your Instagram presence?
If you can’t afford individual therapy, group therapy is often a much cheaper option. Even so, the therapy field altogether is still very much rooted in capitalism and excludes many by gatekeeping.
If you can’t afford individual therapy, group therapy is often a much cheaper option.
Despite the name, my instagram is explicitly *not* therapy, however it can still be therapeutic. I’d recommend scrolling slowly down the page, noticing any content (or comments on the content) that bring up feelings for you. The feeling may be “wow”, “ouch”, “awww”, “yes!” or warm fuzzies - so just get curious about that. You will likely learn information you didn’t know before; you may even find language that feels validating and congruent for you. Engage with commenters who seem like they’re affirming! Typically they chat back.
My patreon is also a less expensive option for folks who want to step into the world of therapy but can’t afford a weekly copay. For a range of $5-60 per month, my Patrons get weekly content related to sex therapy with opportunities for chats and asking questions.
What is one fact you share that often blows your clients’ minds?
That most people with vulvas can’t orgasm through penetrative sex. When I share that, there’s often an “ah-hah” moment about why orgasm has felt so elusive.
Since beginning the @queersextherapy account, what have you learned from interacting with the community you’ve built?
That there are people out there who have the backs of strangers, for no reason except that they care, relate, or feel protective. When TERFs, white supremacists, and homophobic people attack the page, the community is so there to respond. And they respond so thoughtfully! My community knows the line between someone worth educating and someone worth blocking.
In a recent post, you mentioned that things were changing for you i.e. starting your own business and revamping your online presence. What does the future have in store for you? How will these changes help you continue to grow and service your community?
Yes! I was previously running Queer Sex Therapy on top of my day job - being Clinical Director of a gender and sex therapy practice. This is actually my last week doing both, and so what my audience is about to see is a website launch, increased accessibility to therapy, online courses, and more collaborations. Behind the scenes, I’m growing a business under a “Distributive Wealth” model, meaning that the business will make most of its money from large companies who are paying for consultation on how to up their ethos, and that money will fund projects that provide free and low-cost services.
Do you have some fun, self-care advice for our followers?
For folks who masturbate on their backs, masturbate on your stomach next time and vice versa. Treat yourself!